A Little Bit Crazy
December 12, 2023
A few days back, a 50-year-old someone happened to visit us- an elder guy, double my age. And when my mom and dad were busy with other things, he asked me that why I am me? He was curious to know what my problem was and what had triggered me in to what I am today.
Basically, the poor chap had never heard of me having any boyfriend, going with friends etc. as I failed to make any headline news in the family till now. He told me that everyone in my extended family has an opinion that I am a little “different”. Maybe he was trying to say that I am “weird” but chose a different word in order to not offend me.
He said that ever since I was a kid, I used to talk on topics which were beyond my age, often about spirits and paranormal stuff too! He said that I didn’t engage in ‘things of my age’ and that made people conclude that I was “different”. He badly wanted to take me out for a drink as he felt that I am depressed, I don’t have a life, any friend or anything and he advised me to live my life. His remedy was that a good boyfriend will solve my problems and that it was needed in my age because many have one! He said that I am a riddle and someone understanding has to come in. Well, he wanted my own good and he said so in his own way!
Initially, I was a little confused. Why was such a topic being discussed in the first place? I assured him that I am absolutely in my comfort zone, I like to live a spiritual life, I like it this way, away from routine parties. I do have friends, I hang around with them, I have my spiritual friends too with whom I connect more. Yes, I live a bit “alone” but I am not “lonely” because being alone is not sad for me.
Among my relatives, I have seen people who can’t even sit still for 15 minutes. Some of them, if left alone for a few hours, will desperately begin to search for someone to talk to either on call or they would sign up for a party. People- old and bedridden constantly worry about so many people, things and issues. There are those who try their best to create problems and I don’t know what goes around in their heads and then there are those who out of attachment and social norms can’t snap off the ties with them. There are expectations all around, in my opinion- crazy expectations. Seeing all this, I have decided that I will not bother much about others’ expectations more than necessary. Well, I have my own expectations for me to stand up to!
Many people around me think that I am not ‘normal’ or that I am ‘different’ and it’s because I don’t really understand half of the things they do and they don’t understand me either. People will whine but won’t focus on self-improvement. They readily criticize others but can’t see faults in their own selves or maybe they quickly hide it from themselves too! Self-reflection is maybe painful for them or maybe they don’t want to do it at all but want to scrutinize others’ faults or excuses that made them that. I understand that because facing your own-self truthfully isn’t an easy task. Well, there is a whole arena of possibilities!
Really speaking, I don’t aspire to be ‘normal’ at all. I can’t take that; I can’t live that life. My cousin who visited me reveres a saint named Baba Neem Karoli. I told him that even Babaji used to bunk his school and all fun time with his peers to go in a secluded place to meditate. Sri Ramakrishna Pramhansa was labelled mad by the ‘normal people’. Even such lofty personalities didn’t ‘act their age’. I couldn’t really explain to him what spirituality means for me. Its not just a one-time temple visit but I am trying my best to inculcate my whole day into it! But maybe he doesn’t understand that grihasthas (householders) can be spiritual too and concluded that maybe I should take up monkhood and never marry like ‘normal people’ do as according to him, people can’t be much spiritual when in a family set-up! That’s a weird opinion according to me.
Well, I am not ‘normal’ and I am happy to be so! When I see ‘normal’ people and what their minds make them do, I get repulsed. I don’t need to be normal and yeah, being a little ‘weird’ or ‘different’ makes me happy. I wont fit in a box and its okay! When people start calling you a little crazy, its fine. Society’s ‘normal’ people cannot reach the Divine without a little craziness, I guess!
I am me and I won’t change it.
With love,
-Chitra Om
