On blaming the Guru or the Divine
September 1, 2024
Om tat sat!
Dear readers, I could have divided this post into two parts but decided to post it in one go.
When I look back to my past in the adult life itself, I remember that I used to blame the people around me for the wrongs done to me or any unwanted situation that happened. After I started walking on the spiritual path with some seriousness, the focus of blaming has now shifted suddenly- it’s either the Divine or my Guru, whom I will address as Sri Maa in this post!
It may come as a surprise to many that I, who has professed love for Sri Maa in various social media sites, has resorted to blaming her own Guru. Well, I will not shy away from accepting the fact that yes, I did direct negative emotions towards Sri Maa sometimes but am I still doing it? Naah! Interestingly, this feeling of blaming has changed overtime. I won’t say that I don’t complaint at all anymore as it will be an exaggeration at this point of my life, but I can say with honesty that I have improved for sure by Divine grace.
As is the case with almost everybody, I restarted venturing on my spiritual journey when life brought me down to my knees. I was crying, cribbing, hurting and eventually I came to know about Swami ji and Sri Maa who proved to be like a beacon of light. I clung all my hope on them and anchored my life around them. They are the Divine people who have inspired me to bring changes in my life. Sri Maa, most compassionately has made my old petals shed one by one, making space for a new flower to bloom. But is such a change easy? No.
I thought that it will be a wonderful ride away from negativity but I was wrong. The Divine made twists and turns in my life on things I was not ready to take a leave from. My Guru too took decisions which I thought was unfair and I started throwing negative emotions on the Divine and Sri Maa. I was burning, fully convinced that I have been wronged and my anger raged crazily, my mind squeezing out words of discontent, eyes filled up with tears of hurt and anger.
Still, at the back of my mind, I didn’t forget the essential things that Sri Maa is my Guru and that I should not resort to Guru ninda (disrespecting the Guru either through actions, speech or thoughts) at all even by thoughts. I remembered that I had comforted various people in past saying that Divine always does the best for us and here I was raging against the Divine mentally. I remember that Sri Maa once told me that sometimes the Guru takes hard decisions to make the life of the disciple better and here I was blaming Sri Maa for my tears and misery.
I didn’t want to blame Sri Maa or the Divine but my mind pointed every finger at them alone. In my own little head-space, I held them accountable. I felt angry but guilty, I was aware that I should not think like that but I was doing it anyway and I had reasons to be spiteful. At the same time, I was sad about my habit of blaming, and the Guru ninda I was accumulating, the harsh thoughts that were reaching my Divine Sri Maa. I felt bad, I felt wronged and I tried to resist my mind, all in vain. Though I was angry, I made sure I didn’t speak out or think anything supremely unruly for my Sri Maa or Devi as I love them too much for that.
The more I fought my mind, the more it retaliated. I was miserable and suddenly Sri maa posted a visualization video on forgiveness. I understood that it was for me. I tried to do forgiveness meditation, but those tormenting thoughts and the the past would roar back again. Well, I know that what happens in us, including our emotions are our responsibility but I was helplessly blaming Sri Maa and the Divine in anger and woe.
One thing was that I was aware that I didn’t want to do it yet I was doing it. I was fighting my head, giving myself logical reasons but nothing helped. So, I decided to take a little break. Plus, my work where I am employed currently, piled up, maybe by Divine grace, and I had to shift my focus on completing the tasks at hand! Those days, I didn’t chant much, I did basic meditation of a few minutes, my daily puja and focused on my work.
I was not happy because my mind was not happy. I finally picked up a book-Devi Mahtmayam or Durga Saptashati as guided by my intuition. Since a few weeks, I was feeling an intense urge to read the book which I had bought years ago from a Ramakrishna Ashram’s book shop, a translation done by Swami Jagdishwarananda. Previously, I felt it was a long thing to read and my lazy mind had shelved the book and locked it up in a cupboard. It was only last week, when I picked it up again, intending to read it seriously this time.
I had two options-one, read only the translation or two, read the Sanskrit text as well as the translation. After a little struggle with laziness, I decided to go with the latter. I read the Sanskrit texts, not understanding anything except a few words but something made me go awe. Something felt really powerful as if Mother Divine is watching me. The Sanskrit texts, though incomprehensible for me, sometimes sent chills down my back and it kept me hooked and I started enjoying reading Devi Mahatmayam!
The power of Devi is such that it made me feel seen to the core and at the same time, I felt a little scared yet a little more devoted to the supreme Devi! I had heard a stuti (eulogy- here, referring to Ya Devi Sarvabhooteshu) of Mother Divine countless times on YouTube , solely because of its music but day before yesterday, I finally read its meaning. It’s given in the fifth adhyay of Devi Mahatmayam and the verse that really blew my mind away was-
Ya Devi Sarva-Bhooteshu Bhranti-Roopenna Samsthitaa
Namas-Tasyai Namas-Tasyai Namas-Tasyai Namo Namah (26)It means, repeated salutations to the Devi (Mother Divine) who abides in all beings in the form of error!
“What?” I thought, gaping wide at what this stuti meant! It is dedicated to Mother Divine, encapsulating her subtlety of how She resides in everything! I was dumbstruck, my mind unable to process Her greatness and I mellowed down.
Eventually, I started looking at myself a little bit more. I know what I am capable of and I realized that certain “things” I had done or experienced in past or I am doing or experiencing now are way out of my league. I can’t have possibly done that. Take for instance, I am so distracted that reading a book felt like an impossible task before, but here I was trying to read Devi Mahatmayam! This book was kept in the shelf since years and it is only now that I am picking it up. I am sure this is what I can’t do, the Divine grace and Guru’s merciful eyes have made me do it. I am myself, incapable of doing such a great task! It suddenly felt for a moment that Devi is progressing me ahead to a large extent.
I have a friend named Yash Om to whom I shared how I sometimes end up blaming the Divine or Sri Maa. Maybe, it’s a habit of people to put a blame on others before realising it is their own selves who have received the fruit of their own action. Not to say, Yash inspires me and this time too, his answer made me ponder a little. He wrote in a text (paraphrasing)-
There’s a piece in everyone which is completely negative just like a frustrated person rambling and ranting, full of negativity. Try to see it as the smoke of Maa Dhumavati or Alakshami. That too is Devi!
I was happy. I didn’t let my mind bog down and just let it be sometimes. I let it think of negative things like the Samudra manthan when the toxins came forth before the Goddess did! So, I now understand that sometimes, its okay to take a break or to mess up a little. When we work towards something, it is human tendency to make an error as it accompanies cheshta or effort! And yes, Divine or Guru won’t do anything bad for us! :)
Thank you for reading, my friend. Om tat sat!
-Chitra Om
