Yes, I Do Get Jealous!
September 18, 2024
Namaste!
I am a person of folly and jealousy is one of them. I am riddled with folly after folly and sometimes I wonder, why did Divine decide to shower grace on me and what have I done to even deserve Sri Maa’s glimpse on a video call? Earlier, I didn’t understand her grandeur but now I understand the vast expanse of her sheer grace and mercy yet, my understanding of my guru falls short every time, no matter how much I try or experience her love.
Well, it is by Divine grace alone that my Guru came my way and accepted me into her fold like a mother to her child! She has often addressed me as “sweetheart” or “my doll” and many more endearing names but have I really been sweet all the time? My truthful answer is ‘No’.
Here, in this post, I will talk about a negative emotion that has been in me- jealousy. When I was in my teens, I would sometimes catch my mind getting jealous of certain things or people but I would immediately give myself a reason, dismiss the cause, convince myself with other better things and mentally declare, ‘I don’t get jealous.’ Back then, for me, dealing well with jealousy meant I am not a person having jealousy which is obviously a lie.
Being jealous of Sri Maa
Came my twenties and my days in college when at one point, my jealousy loomed large. I couldn’t deal with it by myself, I couldn’t convince myself and you know what that point was? Don’t be surprised, it was when I started reading about my Guru- Sri Maa in a forum where she once shared her spiritual experiences.
“What?”- you may wonder and I too was equally confused. Actually, I had convinced myself that ‘I am not a jealous person’ and the society’s labelling of ‘jealousy is bad’ had gripped on me and I did this active convincing and conditioning on myself for years.
When something is natural, it flows its course. And if you try to halt it, it disappoints. That is what happened with me. Now, let me make a little controversial statement- jealousy, in my opinion, is not all bad albeit excess of everything is bad.
Why do we get jealous? What do we want?
Sometimes, people see something ‘better’ with someone and they get a little jealous, motivating them to pursue it. A little jealousy sometimes fuels healthy competition which is often seen between people, students or even nations! But on the other hand, excess jealousy is outright dangerous where one tries to undo the other, sometimes taking an unethical route and we know that the world has witnessed wars, murders, rapes, extortion, trafficking, honor killing etc. because of excess jealousy.
As for my case, I looked into my mind that why was it feeling jealous on reading Sri Maa’s experiences. I understood that I too wanted that and eventually, as time unfolded, I gladly accepted initiation or deeksha by her! I didn’t let myself make a fool by engaging in character-assassination or telling lies in name of spirituality. For me, jealousy in this case was an indicator to what I wished for. Well, I must say, that was a weird way by which Divine made me reach my Guru and talk to her! Anyway, that’s the way of the Divine and I am happy that I didn’t brood over it for long, didn’t make this feeling go out of hand and took corrective measures timely! Dear Sri Maa, I love you!
My way of dealing with jealousy
Well, now and then, I catch my mind creating bubbles of jealousy. I no longer hold on to society’s notion to be a good girl with all good manners and thoughts. For me, its not possible currently. I have developed my own way of dealing with jealousy-
1. I first accept that jealousy regarding something has creeped into my mind. I focus a little bit on the thing/person making me jealous and try to notice how my mind and heart are reacting.
2. Here, a little self-talk becomes important. I tell myself that this is not me, but my mind’s doing.
3. I have noticed that my mind sometimes feels jealous out of habit or evolution. So, I ponder whether the thing/person making jealous really matters or no.
4. If the point in case doesn’t matter, I let that thought go either immediately or through meditation for a few days depending upon the intensity of the feeling of jealous. If it matters, I think about how to achieve it or I search for its alternatives.
5. If nothing works, I sit down, imagine Devi in front of me and I complain to her, gradually placing all my issues, my effort, any result and even myself at Her feet. It always works for me because over time, I have worked on myself to develop faith in Her! Our efforts and Her grace go together.
Am I a perfect Sushree/Brahmacharini?
I am a Sushree/Brahmacharini. It doesn’t mean that I am immensely pure one-hundred percent. It merely means that I have vowed to sincerely work on myself to reach the Divine and it not only includes worshipping the deity, but a larger part is about clearing my own mind and aligning my actions to what can be called as divine conduct, of course in terms of human capacity.
So, dear friend, there is no need to run away from your mind. It has things which society has termed ‘bad’ but for nature, it is merely a stage of evolution. In old times, jealousy made the living beings choose the right mate for their own selves, have better spaces to live and secure their lives etc. Even today, some people have better living conditions than the others which often fuels in jealousy in them! So, really, there is no need to fight and torture your mind over it. Just accept it like Nature has, work on it in the way you want to progress and live your life comfortably. I know its easier said than done, but it is worth it!
Hope you have a happy day.
Om tat sat!
-Chitra Om
